Venting part 2

Desire · 10-22-2009, 09:51 AM

aight so like i said, im new to this textin' shit and im only really good at like love type shit. idk why. but hope yall can leave some feed. 5 minutes keystyle from my blackberry

yo...i feel like ima break down any moment again/
so im venting once more about some1 more than a friend/
see to me your more than that, your the love of my life/
but thats only in my eyes/
in yours im probably just a regular guy you talk to/
i want to be more than that...i want you to be my boo/
this is coming from my heart...and through my soul/
every1 says "dont ever fall in love, you''ll get hurt", but since when have i ever done what i was told?/
never..thats why my dumbass is deeply in love...you got me inflicted/
with pain...i shoulda listened and stuck it in my head before my eyes got addicted/
i wonder, if i wrote you a love letter...would you rip it?/
and if i poured out all my emotions, would you listen?
i hope so, cuz i need you to...i also need you in this life of mine/
some day...one day...i hope you would the wife of mine/
without you my heart is breaking in pieces and folding/
your my one...my only...i want it to be your hands that im holding/
and your lips that im kissin/
its your love that im missin/
i want you to mine...thats what im whishin'/
to be with you again is my goal...even if its a life long mission/

aight. leave some feed please. yea it probably sucks but im new to this shit so just tell me what to work on.

Desire · 10-24-2009, 10:33 AM

come on. leave some feed

Pillow · 10-24-2009, 06:15 PM

this isnt too bad homie, one thing you should try ta work on is the flow tho, like say your lines are
12121212
dont make em look like
121212121212121212
121212
1212121212
121
see how the lenthsare all different/. it can really help the flow if you incorporate multies for the longer lines if you feelyou need the length. but i felt this drop was more of a poetic drop than an actual written piece. but you did your own thing an i can see where your comin from with it so i'd say ya did good homie nice job

inna sense · 10-24-2009, 06:56 PM

a solid emotional piece...good shit

Braidz · 10-25-2009, 01:30 AM

dude... its good and all.. but move away from the love shid. like its good here n there... but thats all i seen from u.. do something else on a diff topic

Desire · 10-25-2009, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pillow

this isnt too bad homie, one thing you should try ta work on is the flow tho, like say your lines are
12121212
dont make em look like
121212121212121212
121212
1212121212
121
see how the lenthsare all different/. it can really help the flow if you incorporate multies for the longer lines if you feelyou need the length. but i felt this drop was more of a poetic drop than an actual written piece. but you did your own thing an i can see where your comin from with it so i'd say ya did good homie nice job

yea wen i wrote it i realized that to. i will work on that no doubt. thanks for the feed man

Quote:

Originally Posted by inna sense

a solid emotional piece...good shit

thanks man

Quote:

Originally Posted by Braidz

dude... its good and all.. but move away from the love shid. like its good here n there... but thats all i seen from u.. do something else on a diff topic

yea. lol. i only dropped twice but yea i know what you mean. i was just goin through some shit so i decided to vent in those 2 drops. but yea im new to this. these 2 drops were my first 2 raps ever. next one i'll have a diff. topic

Pillow · 10-25-2009, 04:29 PM

no worries man, honestly i wouldnt even tell you to change topics, jus try taking "love" in different directions because of how many different ways it can go. like obsessive love, unreturned love, loving too hate, etc..might be bad examples but you can see wat i mean. jus write about whatever comes to mind homie

TheMadWriter · 10-25-2009, 06:37 PM

What I like about you is that you step out of a comfort zone most MCs have. When they're rapping about something like a girl or love, they've got to stay 'cool' and make that rhyme so they never go as far as to pour their emotions out. You go all the way with it, deep lines and all. I think you could focus on the more rhythmic aspects of your verses. Give it a rhyme scheme, establish a rhythm or write to a beat. Also, change up your subject matter a bit like Pillow said. You could take it in different directions and all. I know you like spoken word but you're rappin now, so you've gotta put more into it. Add some analogies of some sort, similies/metaphors/etc...like compare your love to something else. Give us an idea of how you and this mystery girl go together. Other than that, it was a pretty deep piece.

I'm confident that as time passes by your lines will get deeper and have more impact simply from experience.

Desire · 10-25-2009, 07:37 PM

@ pillow....yea i understand wat you mean

@ writer...damn man. thanks a lot for that feed. i really appreciate it. and yea i should've added similies and stuff to make it more creative and better. thanks for all that man

10-22-2009, 09:51 AM	#1
Desire Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: BX Posts: 11 Repped: 0 Repped 2 Times in 2 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	Venting part 2 Venting part 2 aight so like i said, im new to this textin' shit and im only really good at like love type shit. idk why. but hope yall can leave some feed. 5 minutes keystyle from my blackberry yo...i feel like ima break down any moment again/ so im venting once more about some1 more than a friend/ see to me your more than that, your the love of my life/ but thats only in my eyes/ in yours im probably just a regular guy you talk to/ i want to be more than that...i want you to be my boo/ this is coming from my heart...and through my soul/ every1 says "dont ever fall in love, you''ll get hurt", but since when have i ever done what i was told?/ never..thats why my dumbass is deeply in love...you got me inflicted/ with pain...i shoulda listened and stuck it in my head before my eyes got addicted/ i wonder, if i wrote you a love letter...would you rip it?/ and if i poured out all my emotions, would you listen? i hope so, cuz i need you to...i also need you in this life of mine/ some day...one day...i hope you would the wife of mine/ without you my heart is breaking in pieces and folding/ your my one...my only...i want it to be your hands that im holding/ and your lips that im kissin/ its your love that im missin/ i want you to mine...thats what im whishin'/ to be with you again is my goal...even if its a life long mission/ aight. leave some feed please. yea it probably sucks but im new to this shit so just tell me what to work on.

10-24-2009, 06:15 PM	#3
Pillow Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: a place Posts: 28 Repped: 0 Repped 1 Time in 1 Post Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	this isnt too bad homie, one thing you should try ta work on is the flow tho, like say your lines are 12121212 dont make em look like 121212121212121212 121212 1212121212 121 see how the lenthsare all different/. it can really help the flow if you incorporate multies for the longer lines if you feelyou need the length. but i felt this drop was more of a poetic drop than an actual written piece. but you did your own thing an i can see where your comin from with it so i'd say ya did good homie nice job __________________ Dont sleep on me

10-24-2009, 06:56 PM	#4
inna sense Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: germany Posts: 152 Repped: 0 Repped 6 Times in 6 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	a solid emotional piece...good shit __________________

10-25-2009, 04:29 PM	#7
Pillow Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: a place Posts: 28 Repped: 0 Repped 1 Time in 1 Post Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	no worries man, honestly i wouldnt even tell you to change topics, jus try taking "love" in different directions because of how many different ways it can go. like obsessive love, unreturned love, loving too hate, etc..might be bad examples but you can see wat i mean. jus write about whatever comes to mind homie __________________ Dont sleep on me

10-25-2009, 06:37 PM	#8
TheMadWriter Veteran Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Virginia Posts: 1,376 Repped: 149 Repped 414 Times in 245 Posts Neg Reps: 68 Neg Repped at 153 Times in 97 Posts	What I like about you is that you step out of a comfort zone most MCs have. When they're rapping about something like a girl or love, they've got to stay 'cool' and make that rhyme so they never go as far as to pour their emotions out. You go all the way with it, deep lines and all. I think you could focus on the more rhythmic aspects of your verses. Give it a rhyme scheme, establish a rhythm or write to a beat. Also, change up your subject matter a bit like Pillow said. You could take it in different directions and all. I know you like spoken word but you're rappin now, so you've gotta put more into it. Add some analogies of some sort, similies/metaphors/etc...like compare your love to something else. Give us an idea of how you and this mystery girl go together. Other than that, it was a pretty deep piece. I'm confident that as time passes by your lines will get deeper and have more impact simply from experience. __________________

10-24-2009, 10:33 AM	#2
Desire Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: BX Posts: 11 Repped: 0 Repped 2 Times in 2 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	come on. leave some feed

10-25-2009, 01:30 AM	#5
Braidz Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne City, Australia Posts: 320 Repped: 11 Repped 31 Times in 28 Posts Neg Reps: 6 Neg Repped at 12 Times in 11 Posts	dude... its good and all.. but move away from the love shid. like its good here n there... but thats all i seen from u.. do something else on a diff topic

10-25-2009, 07:37 PM	#9
Desire Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: BX Posts: 11 Repped: 0 Repped 2 Times in 2 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	@ pillow....yea i understand wat you mean @ writer...damn man. thanks a lot for that feed. i really appreciate it. and yea i should've added similies and stuff to make it more creative and better. thanks for all that man

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