ShawnDaDon

now there has been plenty time ive dropped on here talkin bout murda
but why not when i got plenty nines to tear ya shirt up
call me the taliban go ahead and gear up for the suicide bombing
blow this whole section up while yall bitches dropping
freestyles or keystyles or whateva ya wanna call it
dis is basically a murda mystery would you care to slove it
drop the gat in battery acid to dissolve it
put ya temple to my glock and revolve it
now go get ya vag checked out by ya gynecoligist
cuz im throwin std from long range like vlad radmonivic
call me a pig cuz im very shovenistic
cuz yall girls ddont keep it real shit not even realistic
i gets crazy on da mic and straight ballistic
dont blink cuz ill snatch ya dam so fast you might miss it
i got ya chasin me around like im wavin a doggy biscut
ya like a scared dog ya wanna come closer but dont wanna risk it
your a flake dog like a broken up triscut
and ya sorry da only team to pick ya up is the bobcats like Nenad Kristic

__________________
only time when you put ice on ya wrist is when it gets sprained/only time you get ya dick wet is when you piss in the rain/this a tragedy/you get burnt quicker than a calorie/aint this the same shit you pulled with cassidy
Serius Jones

TheMadWriter

Returning criticism, I think this was pretty decent for someone who's generally a newcomer. I didn't really seen your drops necessarily increase in product until this 'murkin season' series you've formed and as far as longevity you've done very well with it. I notice you're adamant in populating this thing and getting people to notice the series, and with that I encourage you to continue in the endeavor...

As for criticism, I think some of the punchlines were too simple. Yes yes, I know mine are the most intricately formed metaphors or similies but I like to use these as quick exchangable lines. So when i'm going into a verse say a little witty thing here there, but these aren't necessarily meant to be hard hitting lines with an actual impact. I think they were very underlying when you think about the concept of a punchline, and to the lowest extent required creativity.

I don't know how to phrase it without the tone of a harsh, expressionless critic. I'm just being honest, pessimistic before optimistic to get you through these things and hopefully help you out later. I felt the punches were very primitive, sort of indispensable lines. I also thing that the reccurence of these lines, you using the basic lines over and over again, gave them the overall feel of simplicity rather than a quirk...which really what i'd intend for them to be. Also you spelled chauvinistic wrong.

Furthermore, you regressed to saying things to make them rhyme sometimes. Like when you said 'put your temple to my glock' or something along those lines. You said 'revolve' it when in most cases a glock is referenced as a nine milimeter handgun. The Vlad Radmonivic line could've been rephrased, as I understand he's a talented three point shooter but the way it's articulated in this case makes it seem like he can shoot and he's literally spreading STDs. Not to be offensive, but some of the lines were downright corny. Waving a doggy biscuit...? C'mon now.

Despite the negative which i've predominantly spoken of, there were some good moments. The taliban line was slightly hardhitting, I would've preferred the word 'still' be there to put yourself on a much higher level..let your ego flourish a bit. 'Blow this section up while you bitches still dropping'. The snatch your chain line was entertaining, but the scared dog line stretched a few syllables and some small words felt out of place to throw off the rhythm. I thought the into 'tear ya shirt up' shit was dope too, simply because of that wow factor.

Overall I think you have a punchline based text style, something like Lil Wayne who likes to use small interchangeable lines but can sometimes come up with something so simple it's funny and witty. You'd be classified with people like him, Papoose, Cassidy, all of those people. On a more local level you'd be an upcoming version of some of these other dudes like Virus, Plex, and Protege. I'd recommend studying some of their verses and taking the complexity of what they say to incorporate it in your verses. Don't be afraid to stretch your limits and go over the basic standard punchline, take it further to something witty. Word things a bit better so we get the message but it doesn't seem misleading, and I think you did very well with this but remember to keep an overall continued rhythm. If you break it make sure you only do so for things like expression or tone, to make them focus on a saying that's very relevant. It's a good way of showing an emotion.

Don't shy away from the simple punchlines, if you need something quick to keep the tempo those are very good lines to throw in if they're in shortened form. Make sure you get more hard hitting lines too, lines that give off that assertive tone like 'yeah i'm talking to you' and aggressive things like that. Sometimes Jadakiss will shit out (lol) a line like that and it'll be very witty yet it'll pack a punch. A good song to see what i'm talkin about is 'Checkmate' the 50 Diss, he makes some pretty hard lines using those personals. You use a little more brains and stay away from cliches (like saying someone has a pussy, unless you use a slightly more witty line to do so) and you'll be a great. I can see a lot of potential and you definitely seem like an intelligent guy.

6/10, you did extremely well but you need to push the envelope and go on a whole different level. You're capable of it, just tap into it. I'm impressed and i'm sure readers will be.

F4LLEN ANGEL

Hey mad, I love the detail you put inthis review do you think you could do one for one of my songs or all? It would be much appriciated.