Harbinger of War

F4LLEN ANGEL · 08-19-2009, 02:28 AM

Harbinger of War

I once met a man, but his name escapes me
Out of high school right when he was 18
He said to the man please take me to battle
You see he had always desired the rattle

(Rising intensity chorus)
Of the guns to his breast, bullets he would press,
Though the air they would stress, the finality of death
He would take all their breaths, leave his mark on their chest
And they were grabbed by winged death and taken to a nest

He loved the training didn’t care if it was raining
Visualized all the pain he gave to the man he
Stood in the sand grenade in his hand
In a dream...that he could never really understand

(Rising intensity chorus)
Of the guns to his breast, bullets he would press,
Though the air they would stress, the finality of death
He would take all their breaths, leave his mark on their chest
And they were grabbed by winged death and taken to a nest

Finally he got his wish and was dished out
He and his division would be sent south
Where the colored man was disadvantaged
A life of killing, was the best that he could manage

But this was his chance to be a hero
Never be a zero, sees a war god in the mirror
He’s finally there, death is in the air
He has to stop to stare, runs his hand through hair
Cocks his gun and smiles stands for around for while
Until he’s ordered into file, to march to defile
They are sent to the field other men as a shield
Ordered to yield, their fate sealed by steel

(Rising intensity chorus)
And pointed to their breast, bullets would be press,
Though the air they would stress, the finality of death
Would take all of their breaths, with marks left on their chest
And they were grabbed by winged death and taken to a nest

A storm rolls in, so zoned in they missed the omen
Months to be flown in and he’s ready to go sin
The battle starts not just guns but hearts
Some fall like narcs, some soar like larks
The charge he leads, he screams like beasts
Feels the heat, but now hes in the seat
Just like Venom he kills his enemies
He rides on as if he's on a steed

This goes on for months as he climbs the ranks
On a river side one day he dies on the banks
Just another casualty of militarization
To fund the need of industrialization
Chosen by the few elites of nation
Who could care less of 1 less soldier at his station?
This won’t be last but how many more
Until we say no to the Harbingers of War

Only a couple strong spots in my mind. But I liked it as a story so i decided post. Please give feedback.

ShawnDaDon · 08-19-2009, 04:44 AM

yea there were a few really strong points but im def feeling this
youre relle good kwwp posting i enjoy reading your stuff

TheMadWriter · 08-19-2009, 06:46 AM

I can't necessarily say this was bad, i'd classify it as above average. Multies seemed intermittent throughout the drop, no worries though. Some of the lines made you sound like an old person or a novelist when you use phrases like 'desired to rattle' and 'death is in the air' but i'm guessing you were aiming for that feel. I don't know if you necessarily intended this, but the continued chorus is redundant so it makes this seem more like a hymn or a chant than a freestyle. Was this like fiction poetry?

I liked the symbolism you incorporated in this. The line referring to winged death and a nest was nice when put into religious context, the narcs and larks thing (though that seemed a bit corny but the symbolism porition was good), and the fate sealed by steel thing was great. The only problem I had was that the term 'fate sealed' in this moment felt like a cliche and didn't do accentuating the poetic part of this 'piece' (as this 'writers' call it) any favors. Had it done so I wouldn't call it out. I like the way you post it's a rising intensity chorus so it's easy to visualize (or mentally hear).

The line 'as if he's on a steed'....ehhh, corny. The venom line? Could've been better. In spite of this you do a very good job toward contributing to one's mental picture, and you can literally visualize the scene you're attempting to portray. Not only can you envision it, but you get an installment of his personality. You can feel the overall cockiness, the disregard for self care, the willingness to die and the total battle lust. These emotions paired together are great for an illustration of who this fictional character is and vividly characterizes a walking bomb ready to go off the moment battle starts.

Ehhhh....unfortunately this is contradictory. At the beginning to put him out to be someone innoculous, your typical innocent teenager who doesn't know what he wants for himself. Wouldn't his parents intervene? He seems ill advised in this case, and I know he has a desire to rattle but at the same time I think these recruiters warn you it's a big decision to make. Though i've seen recruits straight out of high school, it sometimes go beyond just wanting a fight. One could argue what you said previously, but this mostly plays against you in the end.

Through the poem-esque bit you portray him as a trained killer, a heartless guy who pretty much frees himself at other people's expense. He goes through training in what sounds like a masochistic euphoria (didn't know how to describe it) and the whole time he's content with taking beatings. A life of killing was the best he could manage, he's smiling on the battlefield though death is in the air, he's in the desert with a grenade in his hand. He looks at himself as this champion, this invicible guy and he's READY to die. So in the end when you bring about this sort of lamenting, mourning theme for a soldier it's hard. For the most part it's hard to sympathize with someone who's taken a joy to taking pain and who has killed people endlessly, keeping a smile one his face and running through glorious war scenes screaming like a monster. No disregard for human life, no care for who he's killing just a blindfire mixed in with a murder spree.

So to anatagonize the people fueling the war when the people dying are put out as people who want it, people who kill and enjoy it or people who proudly ride into battle is making it seem like this is the best and only way they could've died. Like it had to be through combat. How can you sympathize with a killer? It's the same way of trying to sympathize with someone who's murdered or raped, it's the 'he brought it on himself' type of feeling and this really demeans any lasting impact. It's closing the book on the composition like 'that's that' and the lasting effect the death should have is gone. This does the piece no justice and it doesn't tempt me to reread it, it'd basically be something I looked at once and nodded. Okay, typical story.

Nonetheless there were positives, so props. I think you'd be better as a real writer than a 'musician'. I think you'd be better off devoting your attention to poetic means such as hard hitting lines rather than pointlessly boasting (not that you do, just saying poetry is your focus). You need to strike with issues, stories, or even expression and I also believe you need (need need need) to continue dropping similar pieces. When it comes to proving yourself as real, this spoken word with rhythm shit can really do damage so don't change your style for no one. I personally feel you're unique, just as people like (who I often reference) Common.

Keep dropping, word.

F4LLEN ANGEL · 08-19-2009, 01:59 PM

Awesome man thanks alot, this is great. A couple things I wanted to address but everything that I don't I'm going to work on improving right away. The contradiction of his personality to my attempt for a deep sad death was taken away partially beause I mixed up two differant stories I had in my head and didn't realize until the end what I had done so I already knew that one. I think not making corning lines or as I call them cop out lines will stop with practice it's just sometimes I don't relize I'm saying something stupid just to finish a bar or something. And I'll work on my story writttings solidness from now on.

CriminalThoughtz · 08-19-2009, 04:02 PM

man that was awesome dawg...u sounded more like a writer not a rapper which to me is a good thing..u had good lines like writer mentioned in his long ass reply (just kiddin)....anyways keep postin brah.

08-19-2009, 02:28 AM	#1
F4LLEN ANGEL Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 14 Repped: 0 Repped 8 Times in 4 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	Harbinger of War Harbinger of War Harbinger of War I once met a man, but his name escapes me Out of high school right when he was 18 He said to the man please take me to battle You see he had always desired the rattle (Rising intensity chorus) Of the guns to his breast, bullets he would press, Though the air they would stress, the finality of death He would take all their breaths, leave his mark on their chest And they were grabbed by winged death and taken to a nest He loved the training didn’t care if it was raining Visualized all the pain he gave to the man he Stood in the sand grenade in his hand In a dream...that he could never really understand (Rising intensity chorus) Of the guns to his breast, bullets he would press, Though the air they would stress, the finality of death He would take all their breaths, leave his mark on their chest And they were grabbed by winged death and taken to a nest Finally he got his wish and was dished out He and his division would be sent south Where the colored man was disadvantaged A life of killing, was the best that he could manage But this was his chance to be a hero Never be a zero, sees a war god in the mirror He’s finally there, death is in the air He has to stop to stare, runs his hand through hair Cocks his gun and smiles stands for around for while Until he’s ordered into file, to march to defile They are sent to the field other men as a shield Ordered to yield, their fate sealed by steel (Rising intensity chorus) And pointed to their breast, bullets would be press, Though the air they would stress, the finality of death Would take all of their breaths, with marks left on their chest And they were grabbed by winged death and taken to a nest A storm rolls in, so zoned in they missed the omen Months to be flown in and he’s ready to go sin The battle starts not just guns but hearts Some fall like narcs, some soar like larks The charge he leads, he screams like beasts Feels the heat, but now hes in the seat Just like Venom he kills his enemies He rides on as if he's on a steed This goes on for months as he climbs the ranks On a river side one day he dies on the banks Just another casualty of militarization To fund the need of industrialization Chosen by the few elites of nation Who could care less of 1 less soldier at his station? This won’t be last but how many more Until we say no to the Harbingers of War Only a couple strong spots in my mind. But I liked it as a story so i decided post. Please give feedback.

08-19-2009, 04:44 AM	#2
ShawnDaDon Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Houston Tx Posts: 560 Repped: 78 Repped 87 Times in 67 Posts Neg Reps: 19 Neg Repped at 10 Times in 9 Posts	yea there were a few really strong points but im def feeling this youre relle good kwwp posting i enjoy reading your stuff __________________ only time when you put ice on ya wrist is when it gets sprained/only time you get ya dick wet is when you piss in the rain/this a tragedy/you get burnt quicker than a calorie/aint this the same shit you pulled with cassidy Serius Jones

08-19-2009, 06:46 AM	#3
TheMadWriter Veteran Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Virginia Posts: 1,379 Repped: 149 Repped 414 Times in 245 Posts Neg Reps: 68 Neg Repped at 154 Times in 98 Posts	I can't necessarily say this was bad, i'd classify it as above average. Multies seemed intermittent throughout the drop, no worries though. Some of the lines made you sound like an old person or a novelist when you use phrases like 'desired to rattle' and 'death is in the air' but i'm guessing you were aiming for that feel. I don't know if you necessarily intended this, but the continued chorus is redundant so it makes this seem more like a hymn or a chant than a freestyle. Was this like fiction poetry? I liked the symbolism you incorporated in this. The line referring to winged death and a nest was nice when put into religious context, the narcs and larks thing (though that seemed a bit corny but the symbolism porition was good), and the fate sealed by steel thing was great. The only problem I had was that the term 'fate sealed' in this moment felt like a cliche and didn't do accentuating the poetic part of this 'piece' (as this 'writers' call it) any favors. Had it done so I wouldn't call it out. I like the way you post it's a rising intensity chorus so it's easy to visualize (or mentally hear). The line 'as if he's on a steed'....ehhh, corny. The venom line? Could've been better. In spite of this you do a very good job toward contributing to one's mental picture, and you can literally visualize the scene you're attempting to portray. Not only can you envision it, but you get an installment of his personality. You can feel the overall cockiness, the disregard for self care, the willingness to die and the total battle lust. These emotions paired together are great for an illustration of who this fictional character is and vividly characterizes a walking bomb ready to go off the moment battle starts. Ehhhh....unfortunately this is contradictory. At the beginning to put him out to be someone innoculous, your typical innocent teenager who doesn't know what he wants for himself. Wouldn't his parents intervene? He seems ill advised in this case, and I know he has a desire to rattle but at the same time I think these recruiters warn you it's a big decision to make. Though i've seen recruits straight out of high school, it sometimes go beyond just wanting a fight. One could argue what you said previously, but this mostly plays against you in the end. Through the poem-esque bit you portray him as a trained killer, a heartless guy who pretty much frees himself at other people's expense. He goes through training in what sounds like a masochistic euphoria (didn't know how to describe it) and the whole time he's content with taking beatings. A life of killing was the best he could manage, he's smiling on the battlefield though death is in the air, he's in the desert with a grenade in his hand. He looks at himself as this champion, this invicible guy and he's READY to die. So in the end when you bring about this sort of lamenting, mourning theme for a soldier it's hard. For the most part it's hard to sympathize with someone who's taken a joy to taking pain and who has killed people endlessly, keeping a smile one his face and running through glorious war scenes screaming like a monster. No disregard for human life, no care for who he's killing just a blindfire mixed in with a murder spree. So to anatagonize the people fueling the war when the people dying are put out as people who want it, people who kill and enjoy it or people who proudly ride into battle is making it seem like this is the best and only way they could've died. Like it had to be through combat. How can you sympathize with a killer? It's the same way of trying to sympathize with someone who's murdered or raped, it's the 'he brought it on himself' type of feeling and this really demeans any lasting impact. It's closing the book on the composition like 'that's that' and the lasting effect the death should have is gone. This does the piece no justice and it doesn't tempt me to reread it, it'd basically be something I looked at once and nodded. Okay, typical story. Nonetheless there were positives, so props. I think you'd be better as a real writer than a 'musician'. I think you'd be better off devoting your attention to poetic means such as hard hitting lines rather than pointlessly boasting (not that you do, just saying poetry is your focus). You need to strike with issues, stories, or even expression and I also believe you need (need need need) to continue dropping similar pieces. When it comes to proving yourself as real, this spoken word with rhythm shit can really do damage so don't change your style for no one. I personally feel you're unique, just as people like (who I often reference) Common. Keep dropping, word. Last edited by TheMadWriter; 08-19-2009 at 06:49 AM.

08-19-2009, 01:59 PM	#4
F4LLEN ANGEL Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 14 Repped: 0 Repped 8 Times in 4 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	Thz Awesome man thanks alot, this is great. A couple things I wanted to address but everything that I don't I'm going to work on improving right away. The contradiction of his personality to my attempt for a deep sad death was taken away partially beause I mixed up two differant stories I had in my head and didn't realize until the end what I had done so I already knew that one. I think not making corning lines or as I call them cop out lines will stop with practice it's just sometimes I don't relize I'm saying something stupid just to finish a bar or something. And I'll work on my story writttings solidness from now on.

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08-19-2009, 04:02 PM	#5
CriminalThoughtz Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: miami florida Posts: 294 Repped: 51 Repped 31 Times in 27 Posts Neg Reps: 1 Neg Repped at 9 Times in 9 Posts	man that was awesome dawg...u sounded more like a writer not a rapper which to me is a good thing..u had good lines like writer mentioned in his long ass reply (just kiddin)....anyways keep postin brah.