Brand New - First Attempt to Flow

Sweets33 · 06-22-2009, 02:32 AM

..

This is my first attempt to make your brain catch fire
If i can jump off the page to your eye than i can also make you fly higher
But only if you let me, You gotta open your mind and let the noise in
Relax, kick back - let the story begin

Welcome to the mind of a man born Northwest
where sudafed cooks in corners and corporate cronies rule the rest
We were young, we used to play ball out at the park
til they tore the shit down and expanded Walmart
in small town america they call you by name
the cops and the courts are one and the same

And out of the turmoil emerged a man among men
Ordinary in sight but uncommon compared to them
degenerate generation in front of a television
The nation entrapped by a box cuz it glorifies them
blind by a system that pays'em a wage
and then breeds'em as slaves

packed his bags and skipped town on a midnight train
bumpin street etiquette with a glimmer of hope and a fight in his veins
To the city he said, where the people unite
and then he stepped out the bus to breath a dose of real life

-Sweets
-> Let me know what you feel. Stay true.

..

Kidss · 06-22-2009, 09:05 PM

really good send this shit in man

Sweets33 · 06-23-2009, 01:55 AM

Thanks man.
Send it in where?

This is my first time actually posting anything.

Sweets33 · 06-29-2009, 10:33 PM

I'm looking for real feedback - what do you think?

Lil Brizzle · 06-30-2009, 01:27 AM

this was pretty damn basic....but....u have some and potential and this wasnt bad for a first drop....i liked the story telling in this.....the flow was also ok....just try to add some multi-syllabled rhymes to make the piece more enjoyable to read.....and dont forget some punches and metaphors as well....but keep dropping and stay up....

ThA ViiRu5 · 06-30-2009, 03:31 AM

Use of vocabulary was good, storytelling and imagery was there, but the fundamentals need to be stepped up. Multies enhance the piece invaluably, its what steps it up in terms of lyricism. Keep going, find a structure that works for you, and develop who you are as an artist through practice, but dont put alllll your practice writtens up on here..it's the syndrome that kills te new cats on here..they think by flooding the board with their work, people will eventually notice them..WRONG. They find themselves ignored. Stay up homie.

06-22-2009, 02:32 AM	#1
Sweets33 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: The Northwest Posts: 4 Repped: 0 Repped 1 Time in 1 Post Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	Brand New - First Attempt to Flow Brand New - First Attempt to Flow .. This is my first attempt to make your brain catch fire If i can jump off the page to your eye than i can also make you fly higher But only if you let me, You gotta open your mind and let the noise in Relax, kick back - let the story begin Welcome to the mind of a man born Northwest where sudafed cooks in corners and corporate cronies rule the rest We were young, we used to play ball out at the park til they tore the shit down and expanded Walmart in small town america they call you by name the cops and the courts are one and the same And out of the turmoil emerged a man among men Ordinary in sight but uncommon compared to them degenerate generation in front of a television The nation entrapped by a box cuz it glorifies them blind by a system that pays'em a wage and then breeds'em as slaves packed his bags and skipped town on a midnight train bumpin street etiquette with a glimmer of hope and a fight in his veins To the city he said, where the people unite and then he stepped out the bus to breath a dose of real life -Sweets -> Let me know what you feel. Stay true. ..

06-30-2009, 01:27 AM	#5
Lil Brizzle S.F.S. Coming! Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Land Of The Latent Posts: 1,598 Repped: 38 Repped 100 Times in 48 Posts Neg Reps: 44 Neg Repped at 72 Times in 42 Posts	this was pretty damn basic....but....u have some and potential and this wasnt bad for a first drop....i liked the story telling in this.....the flow was also ok....just try to add some multi-syllabled rhymes to make the piece more enjoyable to read.....and dont forget some punches and metaphors as well....but keep dropping and stay up.... __________________ S.F.S. to be out on 23/11/2009!!!

06-30-2009, 03:31 AM	#6
ThA ViiRu5 ``Enlightened Emcee::.. Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ................ Posts: 2,606 Repped: 521 Repped 179 Times in 104 Posts Neg Reps: 78 Neg Repped at 16 Times in 15 Posts	Use of vocabulary was good, storytelling and imagery was there, but the fundamentals need to be stepped up. Multies enhance the piece invaluably, its what steps it up in terms of lyricism. Keep going, find a structure that works for you, and develop who you are as an artist through practice, but dont put alllll your practice writtens up on here..it's the syndrome that kills te new cats on here..they think by flooding the board with their work, people will eventually notice them..WRONG. They find themselves ignored. Stay up homie. __________________ "The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams" ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1 ~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

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06-22-2009, 09:05 PM	#2
Kidss Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Bloomington Posts: 380 Repped: 0 Repped 34 Times in 26 Posts Neg Reps: 1 Neg Repped at 21 Times in 16 Posts	really good send this shit in man

06-23-2009, 01:55 AM	#3
Sweets33 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: The Northwest Posts: 4 Repped: 0 Repped 1 Time in 1 Post Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	Thanks man. Send it in where? This is my first time actually posting anything.

06-29-2009, 10:33 PM	#4
Sweets33 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: The Northwest Posts: 4 Repped: 0 Repped 1 Time in 1 Post Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	I'm looking for real feedback - what do you think?