*ThA CrAsH* - Virus Topical

ThA ViiRu5 · 02-13-2007, 12:45 PM

Ayo . . . . . . . . . . . . .

......when i awoke this morning, I had no idea that after i had boarded coaching, my day would include hope and mourning, both with no warnings......
......when i left the house i was only totin 4 things..a bag, my life, my coat, and of course my loathing......
......i left the house screamin "im tired of the questions u bastards ask me'!!......
......my wife and daughter inside never relax they tax me, put it outta my mind gotta catch this taxi......
......on the ride to the airport thinking bout how i have to go through all this alone......
......gonna go on a business trip..hey..my work is what started the problems at home......
......we pull up, i pay the fare, grab my ticket and get on the plane......
......should have been cherishing the moments, but instead i was living the same......
......i take my seat and yell at the person beside me......
......his stupid fucking music is invading my psyche......
......cant stop myself from thinkin bout the world like god i hate yall......
......try to forget about it, buckle up and take off......
......little did i know i wouldnt be landin alright......
......i sat back, saw the attendant and asked for a sprite......
......took a sip, put it down, fell asleep, took a nap......
......woke up out my dream of extacy, look at that.......
......my sprite's wobbling, but i aint trippin at all, i've battled the wife......
......so this shit is nothing..strain to listen as the intercom crackles to life......
......he's probly just gonna explain its turbulence.. but wait..his voice is all shaky......
......"WE'RE GONNA CRASH!!" oh shit..first thought is family..it was my choice that they hate me......
......screaming everywhere, im frantic as I reach for a phone......
......call my house..i love my family..PANIC! nobody's home......
......thinkin what the fuck..why didnt my lame ass retire......
......lookin out the window..yep..the plane is on fire......
......only thinkin bout how sorry I was that my daughter hates the way she's livin......
......now she has to grow up without me..shit it barely makes a difference......
......so this is where im dyin at, left and right, cryin cats......
......BANG..the wing flies off..its like the sound of triggers, realisin that, ground gets bigger..eyes go BLACK......

-----------------------------------------
hopefullly this was better than the last one..plz feed..i couldve spent more time on it but i wanted to drop it..i'll improve the ocab and stretchiness of the bars next time..baby steps right? haha.. leave feed plz./

ThA ViiRu5 · 02-13-2007, 07:14 PM

bummmmmmmmmmmmp

Lyrical Messiah · 02-13-2007, 09:50 PM

Really feeling this Thanks for uppin the anti im actually gon to drop sooner than i thought now

JR-One · 02-13-2007, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThA ViiRu5

Ayo . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ayo, Don't Put Ayo At The Beginning Of Your Freestyles Because It Isn't Needed At All.. ..

Quote:

......when i awoke this morning, I had no idea that after i had boarded coaching, my day would include hope and mourning, both with no warnings......

Multi Is Messed Up.. .. It Was All Right Until The Last One Which Had 5 Syllables.. .. This Line Is Too Long, You Should've Broken It Into Two.. ..

Quote:

......when i left the house i was only totin 4 things..a bag, my life, my coat, and of course my loathing......

2nd Half Of The Line Is Just Stupid.. .. In Other Words, You Weren't Toting 4 Things.. .. You Had 2 things.. .. A Coat And A Bag.. .. And If You Want To Argue This Line, You Had More Than Just A Coat And A Bag.. .. You Would've Had To Have Had A Passport And A Ticket Among Other Necessities.. ..

Quote:

......i left the house screamin "im tired of the questions u bastards ask me'!!......
......my wife and daughter inside never relax they tax me, put it outta my mind gotta catch this taxi......

1st Line Was Mad Homo.. .. You Sound Like An Overly Emotional Prick.. .. The Line Was Just A Lead Into The Next Line Which Didn't Have Any Pay Off.. ..

Quote:

......on the ride to the airport thinking bout how i have to go through all this alone......

"go through all this alone" <-- You Just Said You Have A Wife And Kid.. .. So, You're Not Alone.. .. Or You Can Look At It From The Opposite Perspective.. .. You're Alone Because You Isolate Yourself From Their Nagging.. .. Just A Wasteful Line.. .. Filler.. ..

Quote:

......gonna go on a business trip..hey..my work is what started the problems at home......

You Did This A Lot In Your Last Free.. .. Talking To Yourself Unnaturally.. .. When Talking To Yourself In Your Mind.. .. You Don't Say "Hey, Blah Blah Blah".. .. Like You Did "hey.. my work is what started....".. .. Next Topical, Don't Use The Word Hey.. ..

Quote:

......we pull up, i pay the fare, grab my ticket and get on the plane......

So, You Left The House With Your Coat And Bag.. .. Now Suddenly You Have Fare And A Ticket.. .. You Also Forgot To Grab Your Bag When Leaving The Taxi.. .. You Didn't Mention It Atleast.. .. You Need More Multies In Your Work, As Hard As That May Be In A Topical.. ..

Quote:

......should have been cherishing the moments, but instead i was living the same......

A Contradictory Statement.. .. You Said Previously That You Had 'Loathing' And Seemed To Dislike Your Work/Home.. .. Now, You're Saying "chereshing the moments".. .. <-- Unnecessary Bullshit.. .. Don't Put Random Filler Bullshit In Your Topicals.. ..

Quote:

......i take my seat and yell at the person beside me......

Yes, This Is Logical.. .. Do You Randomly Get Mad At Strangers..?.. No.. .. Again, This Filler Wasn't Needed.. ..

Quote:

......his stupid fucking music is invading my psyche......

I Wished It Completely Invaded Your Psyche.. .. Then Maybe You Wouldn't Have To Ramble On About Stupid Shit.. ..

Quote:

......cant stop myself from thinkin bout the world like god i hate yall......

DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT ANYONE WANTS TO READ A FREESTYLE ABOUT.. .. HMM, SOME DEPRESSED FUCK WHO COMPLAINS EVERY LINE..?.. No.. .. When I Gave You The Idea For This Free.. .. I Didn't Want You To Turn This Into Some Emo Wack Bullshit.. .. But You Sure Managed To Do That.. ..

Quote:

......try to forget about it, buckle up and take off......

Yes, Hopefully You'll Forget This Stupid Shit And Move On To Something Interesting.. .. And, The Rhyme.. .. Take Off = Hate Yall.. .. Horrible Rhyme.. ..

Quote:

......little did i know i wouldnt be landin alright......

^^ QUIT FUCKING DOING THIS.. .. ARE YOU SOME OMNIPOTENT BEING WHO IS ABLE TO SEE INTO THE FUTURE..?.. Quit This Narration Shit.. .. You Go From: First Person And Going Through Things One By One.. .. Then You Throw An Interjection About How You Somehow Know You're Going To Crash.. .. WELL OF COURSE I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO CRASH, THE FREE IS CALLED "THA CRASH".. .. QUIT BRINGING IT UP IN THE FREE, YOU DRAW THE READER AWAY FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING.. ..

Quote:

......i sat back, saw the attendant and asked for a sprite......
......took a sip, put it down, fell asleep, took a nap......

^^ Wow, It Feels Like I Turned On My Television To The Worst Television Show On The Planet.. .. Was This Bar Even Needed..?.. You Could've Added "I Took A Nap" To Another Line.. .. Instead You Throw In A Random Product Placement For Sprite In Your Freestyle.. ..

Quote:

......woke up out my dream of extacy, look at that.......

It's Ecstacy.. .. (Yo, This Dream.. .. Was It The Dream From Your Other Freestyle..?.. Where The Guy Dreams He's Killing His Brother..?.. Did That Cross Your Mind, That In Your Other Free It Ends With A Guy Waking Up From A Dream.. .. And In This Free, You Have A Character Waking Up From A Dream.. ..)

Quote:

......my sprite's wobbling, but i aint trippin at all, i've battled the wife......

Fareal, You've Battled The Wife..?..

It Feels Like I've Changed The Channel From The Worst Television Show Ever To Everybody Loves Raymond.. .. Making Jokes About Marital Situations.. ..

Quote:

......so this shit is nothing..strain to listen as the intercom crackles to life......
......he's probly just gonna explain its turbulence.. but wait..his voice is all shaky......
......"WE'RE GONNA CRASH!!" oh shit..first thought is family..it was my choice that they hate me......

OMFG.. .. Have You Ever.. .. Ever.. .. Heard A Pilot Yell Over The Intercom That The Plane Is Gonna Crash..?.. Of Course Not.. .. They've Been Purposely Instructed Not To.. .. No Matter What Happens.. .. Because What If They End Up Not Crashing.. .. Then The Pilot Is Gonna Get Fired.. .. For Freaking Out The Passengers.. .. How Illogical.. .. You Need Someone To Proof Read Your Topicals For Validity Before You Post Them.. ..

Quote:

......screaming everywhere, im frantic as I reach for a phone......
......call my house..

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE A PHONE ON A PLANE.. .. IF ANYTHING, YOU JUST MADE THE PLANE CRASH WORSE.. .. MAYBE THE PILOT WAS TRYING TO FIX THINGS AND NOW YOU'VE OFFICIALLY FUCKED OVER EVERYONE ON THIS PLANE.. .. WHAT A FUCKING STUPID THING TO PUT IN YOUR TOPICAL.. ..

Quote:

i love my family..PANIC! nobody's home......
......thinkin what the fuck..why didnt my lame ass retire......

What The Fuck..?.. "PANIC!".. .. Then "why didnt my lame ass retire".. .. You Went From Panic To Regret In One Line.. .. Retarded.. ..

Quote:

......lookin out the window..yep..the plane is on fire......

^^ Yeah, Because.. .. Panicked People Say Things Like "yep..the plane is on fire......".. ..

Quote:

......only thinkin bout how sorry I was that my daughter hates the way she's livin......
......now she has to grow up without me..shit it barely makes a difference......
......so this is where im dyin at, left and right, cryin cats......

I Really Don't Need To Say Anything About This.. .. More Filler Trash.. .. Nothing Important; Creativity, Wordplay, Multies.. .. I Mean You Have "dyin at" And "cryin cats".. .. But That's Wack As Fuck When It Comes To Multies.. ..

Quote:

......BANG..the wing flies off..its like the sound of triggers, realisin that, ground gets bigger..eyes go BLACK......

As Much As I Understand About Things Like This: You Would've Passed Out Long Before This.. .. Also, I Assume It Would Take A While For A Plane To Fall Out Of The Sky.. .. But For You, Mr. Special Man, It Took Seemingly A Matter Of Seconds.. .. Congratulations, You've Won A Bad Topical..!..

As Far As Rhyming Goes.. .. You Get: 1/10.. ..
As Far As Topicals Go.. .. You Ruined My Idea.. .. And You Get A 0/10.. .. For Being Extremely Illogical And Unoriginal.. .. Taking My Original Idea And Stretching It Into 28 Lines Of Filler And Stupid Thoughts.. ..

You've Failed Again.. ..

ThA ViiRu5 · 02-14-2007, 12:56 AM

^^ u could do this to any free....i could effectively counter a large portion of what u said..however i will take into account what uve said and try again soon......i WILL get better at this.....hey im a battler; this shits hard....call it an excuse if u will.....but i WILL improve

JR-One · 02-14-2007, 02:28 AM

^^ Yeah, I Could Do That To Any Free.. .. That's Because 90% Of The Frees On Here Are Wack.. .. Including Yours.. ..

I'm A Battler Too.. .. And I Drop Good Topicals As Well As Battle Verses.. ..

ThA ViiRu5 · 02-14-2007, 05:37 PM

well some of us arent as lucky to be able to be good at everything right away..but w/e..i will get better.

JR-One · 02-15-2007, 02:21 AM

^^ I Ought To Lyrically Clobber Your Skull In.. ..

02-13-2007, 12:45 PM	#1
ThA ViiRu5 ``Enlightened Emcee::.. Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ................ Posts: 2,617 Repped: 525 Repped 179 Times in 104 Posts Neg Reps: 81 Neg Repped at 21 Times in 16 Posts	ThA CrAsH - Virus Topical ThA CrAsH - Virus Topical Ayo . . . . . . . . . . . . . ......when i awoke this morning, I had no idea that after i had boarded coaching, my day would include hope and mourning, both with no warnings...... ......when i left the house i was only totin 4 things..a bag, my life, my coat, and of course my loathing...... ......i left the house screamin "im tired of the questions u bastards ask me'!!...... ......my wife and daughter inside never relax they tax me, put it outta my mind gotta catch this taxi...... ......on the ride to the airport thinking bout how i have to go through all this alone...... ......gonna go on a business trip..hey..my work is what started the problems at home...... ......we pull up, i pay the fare, grab my ticket and get on the plane...... ......should have been cherishing the moments, but instead i was living the same...... ......i take my seat and yell at the person beside me...... ......his stupid fucking music is invading my psyche...... ......cant stop myself from thinkin bout the world like god i hate yall...... ......try to forget about it, buckle up and take off...... ......little did i know i wouldnt be landin alright...... ......i sat back, saw the attendant and asked for a sprite...... ......took a sip, put it down, fell asleep, took a nap...... ......woke up out my dream of extacy, look at that....... ......my sprite's wobbling, but i aint trippin at all, i've battled the wife...... ......so this shit is nothing..strain to listen as the intercom crackles to life...... ......he's probly just gonna explain its turbulence.. but wait..his voice is all shaky...... ......"WE'RE GONNA CRASH!!" oh shit..first thought is family..it was my choice that they hate me...... ......screaming everywhere, im frantic as I reach for a phone...... ......call my house..i love my family..PANIC! nobody's home...... ......thinkin what the fuck..why didnt my lame ass retire...... ......lookin out the window..yep..the plane is on fire...... ......only thinkin bout how sorry I was that my daughter hates the way she's livin...... ......now she has to grow up without me..shit it barely makes a difference...... ......so this is where im dyin at, left and right, cryin cats...... ......BANG..the wing flies off..its like the sound of triggers, realisin that, ground gets bigger..eyes go BLACK...... ----------------------------------------- hopefullly this was better than the last one..plz feed..i couldve spent more time on it but i wanted to drop it..i'll improve the ocab and stretchiness of the bars next time..baby steps right? haha.. leave feed plz./ __________________ "The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams" ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1 ~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

02-13-2007, 07:14 PM	#2
ThA ViiRu5 ``Enlightened Emcee::.. Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ................ Posts: 2,617 Repped: 525 Repped 179 Times in 104 Posts Neg Reps: 81 Neg Repped at 21 Times in 16 Posts	bummmmmmmmmmmmp __________________ "The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams" ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1 ~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

02-14-2007, 12:56 AM	#5
ThA ViiRu5 ``Enlightened Emcee::.. Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ................ Posts: 2,617 Repped: 525 Repped 179 Times in 104 Posts Neg Reps: 81 Neg Repped at 21 Times in 16 Posts	^^ u could do this to any free....i could effectively counter a large portion of what u said..however i will take into account what uve said and try again soon......i WILL get better at this.....hey im a battler; this shits hard....call it an excuse if u will.....but i WILL improve __________________ "The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams" ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1 ~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

02-14-2007, 02:28 AM	#6
JR-One Veteran Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Van-Kool-Vurr Posts: 1,021 Repped: 19 Repped 52 Times in 20 Posts Neg Reps: 1 Neg Repped at 1 Time in 1 Post	^^ Yeah, I Could Do That To Any Free.. .. That's Because 90% Of The Frees On Here Are Wack.. .. Including Yours.. .. I'm A Battler Too.. .. And I Drop Good Topicals As Well As Battle Verses.. .. __________________ Cheers To Pacman23.. ..

02-14-2007, 05:37 PM	#7
ThA ViiRu5 ``Enlightened Emcee::.. Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ................ Posts: 2,617 Repped: 525 Repped 179 Times in 104 Posts Neg Reps: 81 Neg Repped at 21 Times in 16 Posts	well some of us arent as lucky to be able to be good at everything right away..but w/e..i will get better. __________________ "The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams" ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1 ~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

02-13-2007, 09:50 PM	#3
Lyrical Messiah Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: NVH The Home of the Brave 3rd Wall 4 Life Posts: 1,776 Repped: 74 Repped 123 Times in 41 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 2 Times in 1 Post	Really feeling this Thanks for uppin the anti im actually gon to drop sooner than i thought now

02-15-2007, 02:21 AM	#8
JR-One Veteran Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Van-Kool-Vurr Posts: 1,021 Repped: 19 Repped 52 Times in 20 Posts Neg Reps: 1 Neg Repped at 1 Time in 1 Post	^^ I Ought To Lyrically Clobber Your Skull In.. .. __________________ Cheers To Pacman23.. ..

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