ThA ViiRu5

Decidin to do somethin different..gonna try storytellin...mehh

Homeboy: *"You know if you shoot me that Virus is gon be on yo ass"*

BitchBoy: *"YeAh RiGhT nIgGa..SeE u In HeLl"*

*CLICK...POW*

BitchBoy: *"aNd I'm GoNe"*

.....

ViiRus: *"AHHHHHH....my homie!!!!...i know who did this...this muthafucka is dead..first thing tomorrow....at dawn..this son of a bitch gon get his....."*

.....

My dream ends eyes open moonlight streamin thru the window
get up, shower, black gloves, skully gleamin on my temples
ready to attack, beam or the mack? 44 packed for that nigga wit tha strap
should i call mo niggaz? nah got this myself homeboy dont make me laugh
never think twice about it gettin high for the drama
put the joint down, lace up the airs..she at my bro's crib so i cant say goodbye to my mama
step up out the house feel the rain soaked concrete
gon catch this sucka by surprise, pain dont call B
sweat beadin kuz im hot, feet beatin down the block keys fiendin for the lock
sit in the hooptie, start the ignition as the night-time digits start leavin out the clock
stop about a block away, goin over it in my mind..pop off at the instant ready
swish the henny, should i take the AK..nah man this bitch is heavy
grab the eagle shut the door, blood pumpin in my ears
mind racing, heart beatin ima give this bitch somethin for his fears
watchin my back, lookin forward, seein sideways
exhale, start creepin up on his driveway
what am i aint breathin for, stop holdin it..i've reached the door
close my eyes, kick it open..hands on his mama mouth like...ima beat this whore
no hesitation..two swings shes knocked out
grab her body..drag it over..leave it right on dawgs couch
is this right? never wondered that, lightning flash, thunder clap
shoes scuffin rug and mat, tip toe to his bedroom, hug the gat
after tonight his girl will yearn for dawg, family betta learn to sob
two more steps, see the hardwood..turn the knob
see the dude, we have history..now i gotta ton of doubt
slip forward, slap his face, grab his hair..gun to mouth
kill him slow, im inclined, lookin down, eyes meet mine
no more wastin..ok..deep breath.. right its time
thinkin bout where to put the nigga..
fuck it all..pull the trigga..
blankets up, get him covered..
..lights on..its my brother..
back in the car, movin slowly forth
brother dead, no remorse
he shouldnta popped my dude..shoulda fall back
too dark..where's the light? drive forward..CAR CRASH
wake up in ER, dude cut a niggas spleen..feel like im in a guillotine, shit would seem
eyes open, cold sweat, oh shit..its a dream.......

__________________

"The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams"
ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1
~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

[CC]Ratify[CC]

ok.. . . .i wasnt feeling it. . .heres why
1) you use too many 'stretched rhymes'
2) it was all about guns and murder. . .
3) poor use of vocabulary . . .
4) flow got all fucked up
5) your 'twist' wasnt devolped well

respect for trying though

ThA ViiRu5

^^ thanks for the feed..im trying to get int otopicals..i totally agree about the flow getting fucked up and some lines being stretched...haha

__________________

"The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams"
ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1
~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

R.A.W

Like Good Story to me..

Like it wasnt bad bad bad for ur first attempt
ill rep u for that..
It flow'd wit the beat i had on..and in my head...
But..
I guess u goin listen to wat CC told u and work on that
other than that
Keep it up and Keep workin at these

but i guess u can say the line were a little stretched

JR-One

Firstly, Don't Type Like That.. .. It's Gay.. ..
Secondly, Their Names Are Gay.. .. And What Homeboy Said Was Extremely Homosexual.. .. It Sounds Like You And Homeboy Are A Couple.. ..
First Thing Tomorrow..?..
So Apparently, You're Too Lazy To Avenge The Death Of Your Friend Right Then.. .. And You Decide To Sleep On It.. ..
What A Great Friend You Are.. ..
Window = Temples.. .. Don't Rhyme.. ..
Secondly, It's Illogical For Someone To Go Out "at dawn" Dressed In Black Gloves And A Skully.. .. You'd Look So Ridiculously Suspicious.. ..
Unoriginal.. .. In Regular Raps, MC's Rap About Guns.. .. A Topical Is Considered To Be A Sanctuary Of Sorts From Guns.. ..
The Whole "put the join down, lace up the airs" Part Was Unnecessary And Just Ruined The Flow.. ..
Call B = Concrete.. .. Don't Rhyme.. ..
Also, You Can't "Feel" Concrete That Has Been Rained On.. .. There's No Difference, It's Not As If It Becomes Soggy.. ..
How Could Sweat Be Beading If You Literally Just Stepped Outside.. .. And It's Raining..?.. Are You Extremely Obese..?.. Also, "the night-time digits start leavin out the clock".. .. You Said Previously That You Were Gonna Leave At The Start Of Dawn.. .. You Can't Even Get Your Own Story Straight.. ..
The Flow's Really Off Is The Bar Also.. ..
WTF..?.. "should i take the AK"..?.. No, You've Already Fucking Contemplated This.. .. You're Taking The 44, You Clodhopper.. ..
See.. .. IF YOU WERE WEARING A SKULLY AND GLOVES AND CARRYING AN AK47 SHORTLY AFTER DAWN.. .. DON'T YOU THINK PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE COPS BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THIS GUY IS PLANNING TO MURDER SOMEONE".. .. Ridiculous.. ..
Note: Blood Is Always Pumping Through Your Ears.. .. And "Shut The Door".. .. You Never Even Opened The Door To Begin With.. ..
See, If I Was Jogging Down The Neighborhood.. .. And I Saw Someone Wearing A Skully And Gloves Holding A Desert Eagle Creeping Up Someone's Driveway.. .. I Would Either Yell, "What The Fuck Kind Of Stupid Ass Criminal Are You..!?..".. .. Or I'd Run Up This Driveway And Beat Your Fucking Skull In For Even Contemplating Such A Stupid Idea As To Wear Gloves And A Skully And Creep Up Someone's Driveway Holding A Gun.. ..
"what am i aint breathin for".. .. What An Extremely Bad Phrasing Of Words.. ..
AND YOU KICK DOWN HIS DOOR..?.. WTF.. .. Just Pure Stupidity.. .. Here's A Better Idea, Knock Knock.. .. Hi, Can I Come In For A Second.. .. Then Shoot Them And Move On.. .. If You Knock Down Their Door, You Make An Extremely Loud Noise And Then Whoever Is Inside Is Alerted.. .. And, He Lives With His Mother..?.. So Your Homeboy Got Killed By A Nerd..?.. Lmfao.. .. Flow's Fuckin Awful As Fuck.. ..
Two Swings..?.. Lmfao, It Took Two Swings To Knock Down An Old Woman.. .. And You Decide To Leave Her Body On The Couch..?.. WTF..... When Most Criminals Are Breaking Into Someone's House, They Don't Decide To Knock The Victim's Mother Out And Leave Her Body On The Couch.. .. You'd Just Leave Her Body On The Ground After You Punch Her In The Face Twice.. .. WTF.. ..
"lightning flash, thunder clap".. .. <-- ???.. .. Is That Symbolism For You Shooting Her..?.. Or Are You Doing The Unpopular Dance Move; Thunder Clap..?..
Why The Fuck Are You Sneaking About..?.. "tip toe to his bedroom" From The Other Line.. .. You Just Knocked Down His Front Door (Which Makes A Lot Of Noise).. .. And You Just Either Shot His Mother Or Started Doing The Thunder Clap (Which Also Makes Noise).. ..
"slip forward, slap his face" <-- LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. .. You've Been Going Through This Much Shit.. .. Just To Have The Main Character Trip And Then Slap The Other Guy..?.. Slap..?.. LMFAOOOOO.. .. What A Girly Man.. ..
Are You Planning To Make Love To Him..?..
WTF Is This Jibber Jabber Bullshit..?.. "eyes meet mine".. "deep breath".. Queer Ass Shit.. ..
Did You Just Rhyme Trigga With Nigga..?..

Ummm.. .. If It's Your Brother.. .. How The Fuck Would You Knock Out His Mother..?.. LMFAO WTF..?.. Wouldn't You Have Recognized This Woman..?.. And Said "Hey, That's My Mom.. Maybe I Shouldn't Knock Her Out" .. .. Wouldn't You Have Recognized His House..?.. You Were Just Looking In His Eyes, You Didn't Recognize His Face..?.. Also, It Would Be Shortly After Dawn.. .. There Would Be No Need To Turn On The Lights, It Would Still Be Bright.. .. How Idiotic.. ..
So You Have No Remorse For:
Wasting Your Entire Day
Knocking Down Your Brother's Door
Knocking Out Your Mother
Possibly Killing Your Own Mother Or Thunder Clapping After You Knocked Her Out.. ..
Killing Your Brother.. ..

That's Emo.. ..

You Just Fucking Said You Had No Remorse.. .. Then The Next Line You're Regretting It.. .. Maybe You Shouldn't Have Knocked Out Your Mother.. .. No Regret For This..?.. Because Of This Man Is Your Brother, That Logically Makes His Mother Your Mother.. ..
"first thing tomorrow....at dawn"
^^ See.. .. You Woke Up At DAWN.. .. DAWN Is At The Very Beginning Of The Morning.. .. Around 6:00 AM.. .. The Sun Goes Down At Around 7-9 Depending On Where You Live.. .. That's A Minimum Of 13 Hours.. .. So You're Saying You Spent 13 Hours: Taking A Shower, Dressing Yourself, Driving To Your Brother's House, Sneaking Up His Driveway, Knocking Out Your Mother, Doing The Thunder Clap, Killing Your Brother And Now Driving Away..?.. That Could All Be Done In Like a 3-4 Hour Time Period At Maximum.. ..
Secondly, "where's the light?".. .. When You're Driving.. .. And Somehow You Spent 13 Hours, And It's Now Dark.. .. Your Headlights Are Generally On When You Drive In The Dark.. .. So Do Other Drivers Cars. .. So You Can See.. .. Yet Your Dumb Ass Manages To Get Into A Car Crash.. ..
Why Would Doctors Cut Open Your Spleen After A Car Crash..?.. ROTFLOLWTF.. .. They Would Be Trying To Sew It Shut.. ..
Secondly, A Guillotine Isn't A Device That Hurts Your Spleen.. .. It's A Device That Cuts Off Your Head.. .. So You Wouldn't Feel Like You're In One, Unless You've Been Decapitated.. .. So Shit Wouldn't Seem Like That At All.. ..
There Isn't A Smiley Here To Express The Displeasure With This Freestyle Or With It's Ending.. ..


You've Officially Got The Certification Of:
The Worst Freestyle JR-One Has Ever Read.. .. You Have Surpassed KJS's Freestyles.. .. You've Surpassed GTA's Freestyles.. ..
This Was The Worst Piece Of Trash Moose Vomit Ear Fuck Bullshit I've Ever Read.. ..

No Creativity, No Worthwhile Intelligent Multies, No Wordplay, Nothing That Makes A Freestyle Worht Reading.. ..

The Idea Was Even A Bad One For A Topical.. ..
I Mean Fuck.. .. You Killed Your Brother, You Knocked Out Your Mother And Then Thunder Clapped.. .. And Then You Get Into A Car Crash.. .. And Then Wake Up And Realize It's A Dream.. ..

This Get's A:
-481,516,234.2 Out Of 10.. ..

Don't Ever.. .. Ever.. .. EVER.. .. Try Doing A Topical Again.. ..

__________________

Cheers To Pacman23.. ..

ThA ViiRu5

LMFAOOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ^^ dude thats hilarious. ok ok it sucked ass lmao. hahahahaha. but yea some of the shit u misunderstood im not going to go into all that except the lightning and thunder and shit that was actually going on outside. and then i knew it was my brother..and my mother..gay story anyway. and i slap[ped his face to wake him up. and theres so much else but im not gonna waste my time pointing them out lmfao. yeaa...never should have posted this lmfao. i will continue to do topicals but i will make sure that they arent about killing kuz then its not rly topical and i'll make sure everything makes sense hahahaha

__________________

"The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams"
ReCkoRd - [Victoriez]: 27 [Slipp Uppz]: 8 [KO]: 13 [TKO]: 1
~~``!!...::Forever Undefeated::...!!``~~ HeAvYwEiGhT

Over_Flow

LMFAO im cryin cuz im laughin so hard at wat jr-one said lmao slap ur mother lmao lmao lmao lmao lmao.....