Havent Spit In A While So Heres Some Shit

jaephantom · 11-17-2006, 08:59 PM

Live by the code of the Samurai
before i break my word id commit Suicide

can see my self like pac tossing in my grave with worms in my eye
as wack niggas spit over my old rhyme

They say im negative im too Contreversial
well if you want good news call the number on the geicco commericial

came in this game trying to do something postive
so im working mircales like the man from naserath (biblical reference where jessus was from)

about being misunderstood your asking me
could rap about god and they'll take it as blasphamey

dealers serving little kids for thoses niks and reeboks
the kids wont graduate from high school but probably fromdetox

the feds want to see you in jail you dont need to tell us
but imma workso hard till i get so many chains i make the feds Jelous

Kids Bush want to see you at war them iraqies shootin ya
sorry mr bush i reufse to fight a war for lucifer

Shogun · 11-17-2006, 09:23 PM

Focus on syllables, not words; this will strengthen your rhymes if used properly & that is something you seem to really need on the basis of this as there are an abundance of weak rhymes e.g. "sam-u-rai" & "su-i-cide" only have one rhyming syllable & it's a weak syllable at that.

Type with your eyes open; how am I supposed to take the piece seriously if there's so many typos? And that's giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming they were the consequence of a lack of care, as opposed to a lack of knowledge.
Furthermore, if you can't take the time to type properly, why should the reader take the time to read it?

Although the title may suggest otherwise, you seem to be a complete novice when it comes to writing so I won't put forth too much advice at the moment but rather wait & see if you stick with it. One or two of the lines had potential concept-wise btw, so even if you can't be bothered starting afresh you can always meditate on & evolve this current piece into something more advanced & polished as you develop as a writer.

Tom Chambers · 11-17-2006, 09:46 PM

..........i think thats numero uno????

jaephantom · 11-17-2006, 10:21 PM

what are you saying its good ^^^^

11-17-2006, 08:59 PM	#1
jaephantom Veteran Join Date: May 2006 Location: New York Posts: 1,246 Repped: 579 Repped 259 Times in 85 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	Havent Spit In A While So Heres Some Shit Havent Spit In A While So Heres Some Shit Live by the code of the Samurai before i break my word id commit Suicide can see my self like pac tossing in my grave with worms in my eye as wack niggas spit over my old rhyme They say im negative im too Contreversial well if you want good news call the number on the geicco commericial came in this game trying to do something postive so im working mircales like the man from naserath (biblical reference where jessus was from) about being misunderstood your asking me could rap about god and they'll take it as blasphamey dealers serving little kids for thoses niks and reeboks the kids wont graduate from high school but probably fromdetox the feds want to see you in jail you dont need to tell us but imma workso hard till i get so many chains i make the feds Jelous Kids Bush want to see you at war them iraqies shootin ya sorry mr bush i reufse to fight a war for lucifer

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11-17-2006, 09:23 PM	#2
Shogun Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 718 Repped: 0 Repped 13 Times in 12 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 4 Times in 4 Posts	Focus on syllables, not words; this will strengthen your rhymes if used properly & that is something you seem to really need on the basis of this as there are an abundance of weak rhymes e.g. "sam-u-rai" & "su-i-cide" only have one rhyming syllable & it's a weak syllable at that. Type with your eyes open; how am I supposed to take the piece seriously if there's so many typos? And that's giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming they were the consequence of a lack of care, as opposed to a lack of knowledge. Furthermore, if you can't take the time to type properly, why should the reader take the time to read it? Although the title may suggest otherwise, you seem to be a complete novice when it comes to writing so I won't put forth too much advice at the moment but rather wait & see if you stick with it. One or two of the lines had potential concept-wise btw, so even if you can't be bothered starting afresh you can always meditate on & evolve this current piece into something more advanced & polished as you develop as a writer.

11-17-2006, 09:46 PM	#3
Tom Chambers AkA Sur-Vis-U-All Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: pittsburgh Posts: 11,279 Repped: 132 Repped 477 Times in 296 Posts Neg Reps: 19 Neg Repped at 68 Times in 54 Posts	..........i think thats numero uno????

11-17-2006, 10:21 PM	#4
jaephantom Veteran Join Date: May 2006 Location: New York Posts: 1,246 Repped: 579 Repped 259 Times in 85 Posts Neg Reps: 0 Neg Repped at 0 Times in 0 Posts	what are you saying its good ^^^^